Dateline Normal: The Rational Business Model, RBM----FICTION

(Ed. note. The following is one of a series of fictional tales from Normal, Mn.. These tales are available on CD and mailed in a brown paper wrapper, clearly marked, FICTION)

The news has been real confusing lately, with all the political ads----and to make it worse, I have been sorting though all the audio from local school board meetings, trying to make rational sense of all the pronouncements.

So---I decided to head up Hwy 10 north to my favorite city, Normal, Mn., to see whether the brisk cold air could clear my mind. It is tough gettin old. Tough to get all the facts straight. Tough to make heads or tails of what the rational folk are saying.

After a good night's sleep at the Spruce Goose Motel, where all the comforters are down, and the beds are pulled from the wall, economy style, I met Herman at the local diner. Yes, it is just like the old Mickey's Diner in Downtown St. Paul, which is featured on "The Prairie Home Companion," the movie.

I explained to Herman, over a tall, black, no sugar, but lots of whipped cream coffee, served in the blue Minnesota Viking mugs, that it was real hard to compare apples and oranges like I was trained to do, back in grade school. How could one analyze anything if the cagetories kept changing?

Herman just laughed. "Wolfman," (that's what he always called me) the problem is you are not familiar with the "RBM."

"Whatever could the RBM be?", I asked.

"Well, it's real simple. It stands for the "Rational Business Method."

"I still do not understand, " I said, in amazement.

"Well," Herman said, "Remember when Pres. Bush said that we got attacked by the terrorists, and then........ attacked Iraq?"

"Yup," I said. "I remember that real well."

"That was the RBM," The Rational Business Method. If you are attacked by A, it is always best to retaliate against C. It is the classic move. It is sheer moxie.

"It looks different locally," Herman went on. "Up here in Normal, some years back we had a huge crisis in space needs for the elementary school. Man was there division! It was real tense."

"Whatever did you do?" I asked.

'It is real SIMPLE," Herman replied. "We built a new high school." That is the RBM way.

"But how did that solve the problem?", I asked.

"It did NOT solve the problem," Herman went on, "but it did create a real award winnin high school, and besides, we got some real neat athletic stuff."

"What did you do with the elementary school? " I asked innocently.

"Nothing," Herman replied. " We just did away with early childhood education. After all, we are all late bloomers and ..well....sports...and booze...and well....cheese are real big up here in the north country."

Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where they do not use the Rational Business Method. Where we do not start wars that do not make sense. And where we do not cut early childhood resources and add soccer lights in the same motion.

And where RBM stands for Real Bunch of Malarkey and not Rational Business Method. Alleluia.

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