Dateline Rome: Weekend Update: View of the City--fiction

(Ed. note. Due to the many folks who have requested republishing of this famous dateline story from July 16, I have republished it without comment. Enjoy. )

As my readers remember,The Observer is covering the secret conclave being held in the deepest bowels of Rome that will consider the delicate task of reviewing whether after centuries of discussion, the World is still "flat" as was declared in an infallible dictum by high, in fact very high authorities.......or whether it is just "mostly flat." The effect of this nuanced decision could be momentous and shake the faith of even the most devoted brethern. So....listen up..

I have been hiding in the lower catacombs of the Villa Roma, just off the Apian Way. Please keep this confidential since there could be dire consequences. I am just below the vast villa of Nuncio and Pricilla and have been startled by the loud sounds coming from their quarters. I need my sleep, and their noise has been very loud......The fighting that is.

It seems that Nuncio is a traveling salesman type and Pricilla has been home in the heat of the summer. With no air conditioning. For those of you who have been to Rome, you know how hot it gets. Anyway, Pricilla, or more tersly, "Silla" which is "Silli" in Italian, decided during a recent trip of Nuncio, that she needed more "connectivity." She was getting very bored. A local restauranteur caught her eye. Nuncio found out about it.

The Observer heard about this just from the loud noise. I heard Nuncio talking about the vows they had made, the promises, the plan.......I heard Silli talking about the need for "connectivity" and that she wanted to increase population and reduce traffic flow.

Nuncio was totally bewildered. I could tell he was losing the argument because he started talking about religion. He talked about "trust." She talked about the
Song of Solomon. It went on and on. For every quotation about fidelity, she had one from the Song of Solomon. She must have been reading that song a lot.

Finally, he was desperately searching for the Italian word for committment. Or faithfullness. .....

I did not have the heart to listen to the rest of the argument. I knew how the argument would end.

As my dear readers know,.....there is no such word ..... It's just all "amore."

I will be standing by at Villa Roma, waiting to hear the word on whether the world is "flat" or just "mostly flat" and I pledge to let you all know just as soon as possible. It is hot, ....very hot here and it reminds me of the movie "Good Morning Vietnam." Wish me luck. And please keep my location secret.